urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:queenie911 march on, soldier! queenie911 2007-01-28T13:59:15Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:queenie911:1906 2007-01-28T01:09:35Z 2007-01-28T13:59:15Z Me and J met at church and he asked me out the night after we met. From that day until just two months ago (over 2 years together), we saw each other almost every day. <br /><br />Six months into our relationship, he asked me to marry him. Being the first time I've even been proposed to, I said yes. The wedding was planned for September 9th, 2007. A small morning wedding and British Columbia honeymoon.<br /><br />We were engaged for 1 1/2 years. <br /><br />He was a really nice guy, always let me do what I wanted, we didn't fight every often. But he had so few life skills, no practical/common sense, no maturity. Not the stupid-guy immaturity, but actually like a 10 year-old in a 21 year-old body. Also, letting me always do what I wanted was not healthy in our relationship. He was so overly passive, and I am so overly aggressive in nature. <br /><br />The only reason I was with him that long was because we were engaged. I was the only reason our relationship advanced at all. I was the one who sat us down to resolve an issue, work on communication, think about the future, develop our relationship, and make sure we did things other than watch TV. <br /><br />I started feeling superior to him, beyond him in life. I felt bad for feeling like that. <br /><br />We had NOTHING in common. Not our life goals, hobbies, food preferences, ideas within our faith, values, morals, ideas for future church/jobs/house/kids/car/chores/vaccations, work ethic, and every other thing that you can think of. The only thing that we shared was that we both liked dogs. There was nothing to build our relationship on. (You can't build a marriage on your like of dogs!)<br /><br />Toward the end, he was planning to go to Bible college. We are both Christians, but he is Pentacostal and I'm Baptist - big difference, especially for two people who are so committed to what they believe! He wanted me to support him in his ministry and I just couldn't do it wholeheartedly, cause I don't believe many of the things he does. <br /><br />Our differences in beliefs were the biggest conflicts in the relationship from the beginning. It would have been manageable until we had kids... <br /><br />A few examples: He was against drinking of any quantity, any medications (prescription or even Advil!), shopping and working on Sundays, and we weren't allowed to see any movie beyond PG-rated. He was so extreme. <br /><br />And his God was a judging God. He was always feeling guilty for everything. He couldn't even sweep the floor with a clean conscious!! <br /><br /><br /><br />So, though it was mostly my decision, we decided to split up. It was the best thing I've ever done. I don't feel so weighed down any more. <br /><br /><br />I don't have to feel guilty for having one drink or seeing a movie beyond PG-rated. <br /><br />I don't feel like a therapist anymore, constantly trying to get him to see that he does have to feel so guilty. <br /><br />I don't feel like his mommy anymore, teaching him how to make Kraft Dinner, open a savings account, put on his socks the right side out, and how use a washing machine. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:queenie911:1560 2007-01-27T03:36:16Z 2007-01-27T03:38:31Z ***I don't expect anyone to read this, but it makes me feel better to write out my craziness. So don't bother reading this, it won't be interesting for anyone but me***<br /><br />I feel like crap today. Almost time-of-the-month, so maybe that´s why? Or I´m dying...? Or maybe I´m just depressed? <br /><br />I´m just plain fatigued, I can barely function. My eyes are so tired. My stomach is sore, a little queasy. I feel like I haven´t slept in days, even though I´ve slept okay lately. My head hurts. My dental bridge broke and is being fixed...in the meantime, I´ve been clenching my jaw and giving myself wicked headaches and jawaches. <br /><br />My brain isn´t working and I´m forgetting everything, mixing up words, stuttering, having mind-blanks, and I´m never sure if I really did/saw something that just happened...like I´m not in the real world, a dream. I can't keep my head straight on what's going on around me.Weird. My face is really sickly pale too, it´s gross.<br /><br />I didn´t work out today cause I was so tired I could barely get the key to work, let alone drive the car home. I was scared I would crash. I kept forgetting where I was and where I was going. Talk about anxiety...you are finally one block from your house and you forget where you are, so it takes another three blocks to remember. Then you realize that you don't even remember how you got there. Ahhhh!! <br /><br />I want to go the gym tomorrow morning, but I have to study for a test next week. There isn´t really another day that I will have time. So that means I have to get up at 4am again so I can do a couple hours of cardio before work. Then I have to go home and study my butt off, then I can sleep! But I have to get up early for church, go back to the gym for an hour before work starts, study a little more before bed........I'm so tired! <br /><br /><br /><br />I think I´m depressed too. I just am not motivated to get up in the morning. I´m avoiding non-required social situations like the plague. I´m having a hard time getting back into my school routine, which is something that I usually am really motivated for. I usually love school (ya, I'm a geek in that way, I love learning). Oh yea, its winter. Duh, of course I'm depressed. SADs is a killer. I need some Vit D. Too bad I hate the coldness and snow or else I could just go outside and get some. Tanning isn't the same effect, and I'm too broke to bother. What to do?!<br /><br />I'm in such a negative rut. I'm usually pretty positive and cheerful in my general attitude. I feel have nothing to look forward to right now. Nothing excites me. I hardly laugh anymore, for some reason I just can´t. I´m sick of smiling so much, pretending to be amused at witty comments. I feel like everyone is pulling the life from me, taking from me, wanting me to listen and care...there is no one to give back to me, pay attention to what I say, to care. (Family doesn´t count) And since I´m terrified to get into all these new social situations {church, college group, new school friends}, this is pretty much a rut, going nowhere, I´m stuck here. And I'm not going back on the anti-depressants, they make me fat.<br /><br />I don't miss J in the least bit at all, but I do miss having someone to care about me, to listen to me. Times like this, I wish for that part to come back. <br /><br />***If anyone was crazy enough to read this, I should explain that last comment...I was engaged to be married this coming fall, until about two months ago. Now I'm not engaged anymore (obviously). More on that later, if anyone cares*** <br /><br /><br /><br />I'm going to bed now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:queenie911:1281 2007-01-23T03:19:21Z 2007-01-23T03:19:21Z I love my school program. I learn cool things. Most of this is old news to me, but it's really cool to hear it in school and to learn why it works.<br /><br />-Did you know that body fat is BRIGHT yellow?<br /><br />-If you can burn 3,800 calories, you just dumped an actual pound of fat, not water weight.<br /><br />-The more lean mass you carry, the more you burn by just living.<br /><br />-It takes about 1,100 calories to get a full-nights sleep<br /><br />-The first 20 minutes of a workout only burn the stored sugars/carbs in your body...Beyond 20 minutes, you burn fat.<br /><br />-When you see the little bump of your belly that never goes away...those are your intestines<br /><br />-Blue nails means that you aren't getting enough oxygen<br /><br />-Scrub dead skin off in the shower every day...you would be disgusted by how many dead cells are on just an arm! Also, it helps your skin eliminate toxins better.<br /><br />-Because EDs cause your bones to get brittle...do weights to keep your bones denser. This is a very real threat to all you girls, no matter how young. I'm 21 and have the bones of a 50 year old because of my ED.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anyways, I'm gonna attempt to sleep now. I have a Psychology class early tomorrow. Fun fun fun! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:queenie911:1144 2007-01-22T17:52:42Z 2007-01-22T17:52:42Z I'm really cold. Always cold. I'm so cold that my nails are blue, which doesn't make sense because nails only really turn blue when your O2 is low. Weird, maybe my oxygen levels are low?<br /><br />I'm getting muscle cramping like crazy lately. I think I need to increase my calcium and potassium intakes. <br /><br />Did my weekly measurements:<br /><br />Waist - 1.5 inches lost <br />Hips - 0.9 inches lost<br />Chest - 0.5 inches lost<br />Thigh - 0.3 inches lost<br />Calf - 0.5 inches lost<br />Bicep - 0 inches lost, but they are firmer, so that's okay<br /><br /><br />Yay! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:queenie911:976 2007-01-22T02:52:00Z 2007-01-22T02:52:00Z I just realized how bad I have gotten lately with social things, after doing so well for a while. I had slowly started making a few friends at school and joined the college group at church (for two weeks!). <br /><br />My eating disorder and OCD turned me into such a hermit, I don't like being around people. I can't be around people, not if I can help it. School is bad enough. I can handle school, but outside of school I just can't. I can't go to my church group anymore until I am perfect again. I don't want to talk to people and I don't want them to talk to me. Just leave me alone! <br /><br />I get really panicked after church when my parents hang around and chat. I just want to leave before someone approaches me, especially someone my age. I freak out. Just take me home. <br /><br />I wish my mom would stop trying to force me to be social...I just can't do it right now. I'm terrified of it, like something bad will happen if I go back to the church group or hang outside of school hours with classmates before I'm perfect again. When she was pressuring me to go tonight, I really panicked. I shocked myself. I really did not realize how bad this is now. <br /><br />I ended up being able to compromise with her. A couple from our old church were over for lunch. I am relatively comfortable with them, so they went with me to the concert at my church. That way, I can please my mom and, since they dont go to my current church, we could leave right after the concert before anyone could talk to me. A relatively safe, almost risk-free compromise.<br /><br />I hate being always anxious. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:queenie911:575 2007-01-22T02:29:27Z 2007-01-22T03:10:57Z Anoretic for 3 years, I have a nerve disorder, unstable blood sugar & serum ferritin levels (body's natural store of iron), obsessive-complusive disorder, ADHD, anxiety disorder, and possibly fibromyalgia. <br /><br />Sometimes I hate that I'm doing this to myself, people watching me, worrying. I like my space, leave me alone. Don't talk to me. <br /><br />Today, nobody knows that I am still sick. I hide so well. I wear about 6 layers or more of clothing so that I actually look bigger. I don't understand a lot of girls who say they have anorexia and they show off their skinny bodies. I am embarrassed of my body, even at my lowest, thinnest weight. I rarely have enough self-esteem/confidence/guts to show off my acheivements.<br /><br />One perk from all the crappy stuff - I love being on Celexa, it really kills the appetite! Thank you ADHD! Too bad it makes the OCD and anxiety worse. Oh well! What's more important....? Duh.<br /><br />My perfection means:<br /><br />-I'm happy with my body, thin (very hard to achieve)<br />-I have clear skin (I get bad acne even though I'm 21)<br />-My grades stay at A+ (not too hard to do)<br />-My hair is good<br />-Wash hands a lot, especially at school<br />-Nails are a good length and cuticles are good<br />-My stuff stays organized (easy as pie)<br />-ALL homework is done<br />-Class note are rewritten, neat, in a certian layout, no bad spelling or white out<br />-Teeth are white<br />-Every class has a special colour; use that colour for binder, pen ink, divider, highlighter, eraser, sticky notes <br />-Clothes are only worn once, must be washed before worn again <br />-Skin is scrubbed free of all dead skin EVERY day<br />-Socks are not dirty (change socks usually 3x day)<br />-Label things<br />-Every food eaten or calories exercised off must be counted<br />-Day planner must be organized, work hours in green, school stuff in red, personal in black<br />-"To-Do" lists, pink list is school, blue for personal<br />-Brush teeth five or more times a day<br /><br /><br />I am really picky!